Too many entries have been dedicated to you, so in straight blog style, I'll roll with the tradition, and give you these words. But I seriously hope this is the last time I'll have to let the thoughts unravel here.

How do I feel about you now? Hatred's probably the right word, but it doesn't define it all. Yes, I hate you and your lies. I hate how you made me believe in you for so long, but most of all I hate how I was stupid enough to give you all of me, and even thinking that I had you for a second, because I never did. You made it seem like I did, and I lived in that moment for way too long, not being able to snap out of it. And now that I have, it hurts more than ever. It's scary how I never saw through it before, but I'm glad to say my brain's taking over now. But the thing is, I still care about you. I always check my msn list to see if you're online, and if there is ever a missed call, I can sit there forever wondering what it was about. Pathetic, dumb, yes indeedy.

But whatever. Thinking about this makes up the least of my day. Mum's been giving me crap almost every day. "There's no substance in your life. All you think about is having fun, living your life, you've got no responsibility.. you have no life." I hate to admit it, but she kinda has a point, and it's got me thinking, is the partying every Saturday night really all that? Is drinking, clubbing, dancing really that fun? Dancing is my passion, but every week is getting quite tiresome, and you can't please everybody. Maybe I should quiet back down, spend some Saturday nights at home, and re-prioritise. We'll see how long I stick to that.

It's funny how the important people in life, who you once thought meant so much to you, end up disappearing, or you end up realising that they're not who they once were, or who they once seemed to be. I guess I finally see through all your bulshit, all the lies, all the sugar coated excuses. I finally see you really are the douche everyone says you are, and finally see that you're not worth the time. But I'm still stuck here, hating you, but unable to lose you in my life. I love every single one of our friends, and I miss every single one of them, but I don't miss you. I don't want to see you, and yet I have to. I don't want to laugh at your jokes, don't want to pretend I don't hate you, when I really wanna squeeze the living life out of you. But at the same time, I can't see myself being any different than this. I've always been like this with you, and that's probably the way it'll always be. But whatever "friendship" we have, it means jackall, to you, to me. I'm nowhere near as close as I thought we were, so I'm not going to treat you like I do to the others. We'll keep smiling, talking like nothing's ever happened, but just know, I'm not that dumb bitch anymore.

And you. We were once tighter than gladwrap. We talked about everything together, absolutely everything. Happy or down, we would share what was going in our minds, maybe not daily, but certainly not annually. I don't know you anymore. You've become this distant clown, who puts on a happy face, and enthusiastic tone when you see us, but that's all on the surface. Take the makeup off, and you'll be the next stranger. It once used to be four of us, and now, it's only three, and it won't be four again. Can't say ever, because I still have a hope that one day, we'll be best friends again, but that day won't come, until you and him are over. I hope you realise all the people who have been there for you are now all fed up with your empty calls, and your name no longer brings smiles to our faces. People always said, you drift from high school friends, there's only a few you really keep in touch with, the others, you'll see them, and it'll be a friendly smile and a casual "how's it going?" I always thought you would be part of the few I kept in touch with, and I would've never thought I'd have to be fake to you. But that's exactly the way it is, and I don't wanna sink down to that, because you do mean more than that to me. So until you're ready to greet me with the real you, don't bother saying anything to me.

It's so hard to just find someone. Find someone you can totally be yourself with. Find someone who you can just talk to non-stop. Find someone who can make you laugh until you can't breathe. Find someone who feels the same way about you, as you do about them. Everyone around you makes it seem so easy, so easy to just find that other person who share the same connection, and just mesh. Even though life's hectic as it is, with uni, work and balancing it all with a social life with friends, a boyfriend probably isn't the most appropriate thing to be thinking about. And you just make it so hard. So hard to completely let myself go, and to let you go. I need to move on, but no matter how much I say it, no matter how much people say it, it's so hard. It's like there always was something, and I don't want to think otherwise, even though that might be the reality. Don't wanna believe it was because you were a douche, don't wanna believe you did it on purpose, don't wanna believe it didn't involve just a little bit of something extra, don't wanna accept that it's never going to happen again. Unhealthy, stupid, stubborn, dumb, I know. And it leaves me pathetically hoping for you to tell me it's not happening, and everything's still the same - that you're in the same situation as me, not bothering with randoms, not bothering with getting to know anyone, not bothering to let anyone in. As the girl that's crazy about you, that's how I feel. But as one of your closest friends, I'm happy you're moving on, moving on from the "not bothering" stage. Happy that you've found that someone, who I'm still trying to find. Happy that a girl can bring a smile to your face, and you can finally have that person to confide in. But I don't know if I can be that friend 24/7 around you. It still cuts to see that someone else brought you that smile, that someone else has you, that someone else so easily got you, that you so easily fell for her, that I can no longer hope something might happen. I lied to myself when I said being good friends was the best for me, lied when I said I was over never getting you. Truth is, I've been living in that moment, that moment where it seemed as though it was just the two of us, the moment when nothing else mattered, the moment when I could kid myself into thinking we were basically together. My reason for not being able to let you go a year ago was because I never got you. My reason for not being able to let you go now, is because I can't forget the moment that I had you.

What's been happening? Uni, commerce camp, work, and that's probably it in a nutshell.
Camp was good.. and bad. Facebook tells all, and the photos pretty much gives an overall picture. Met a lot of people, and had a major d&m with Reema, my dear primary school curry :) I miss just pouring out my heart, willingly, to people I know who will not laugh at me for being just me.

Uni's like, this huge masquerade. Everyone has their secrets, and if someone ends up finding out about them, then bye bye to your rep and integrity. You're the next big joke in town, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Everyone makes their mistakes, everyone has things they regret. Is that really some big fat joke? Just because you're not the one exposed. And besides, no-one knows anyone, not for who they really are. Why pass judgement like that?

I miss my bitches, my true bitches. Yes, Davo, Bon and Em, I'm talking to you three. Lol. I miss seeing you guys every day, laughing every day about anything, and sharing the moments with you all. Everything was so simple. We were all so simple. Now things are thrown at us, and we just have to tank it all. I felt so much more real with you guys. Saying what I wanted to say, thinking what I wanted to think. Uni's eating me away. The workload, the constant need to be good enough for the whole environment, the unfamiliar faces, the laughs, the glares.

I just wish there was that someone out there, who can just tell me "it's okay." Someone who genuinely knows and supports who I really am.

So another weekly update.
Lol, everyone doesn't bother blogging nomore. And I'm getting mroe and more bored as I procrastinate and have nothing better to do other than facebook - and even that isn't as entertaining as it used to be.

Uni's gradually getting better, in the social sense. Making friends isn't as random nomore, even though lectures are still the hardest place to find someone new. The people I met in tutes before aren't as afraid of talking, and everything seems to be flowing on quite smoothly. Had my first two asssessments last week: for QMA and Japanese. Happy to say I scored a whopping 9/10 for my first quiz; pity it's only a 2% weighting. Lol. So I scored 1.8% :) Japanese wasn't as bad as I thought, and for now, I think I made 3 mistakes? Oh welps, that was a 10% weighting though, so oh whatever.

Met up with Boneface on Thursday at Broadway and had cold tortellini from some Italian stall in the food court. Twas good catching up, on random things, and just spending quality time with people I love.

Scored a job at Taverner Research which is basically telemarketing, minus the marketing part, because it's socio-attitudinal research that benefits the community. It's actually quite interesting listening to people's responses to smoking and their thoughts. Got a lady who told me her annual income was "fuck all" and was surprised they didn't have that as an option. So I just ticked "under 40 000" for her. Lol. Oh, and another lady told me she was Aborigine, but was white, because the definition of Aborigine is "a native to Australia." And since she was born in Australia, she's Aboriginal. So I told her okay, i'll put that down as "other" and write down what you said, but just ticked no. She might've told me off if I said she wasn't Aboriginal. Weird people, but quite entertaining. And there's a cute white boy who I met at training and took the first shift with me. We turned to each other after each interview we did, and laughed at the responses. So the 7 hour shift almost flew by on the Saturday.

So my life at the moment is just Uni, trying to get all the work done on time, DANCEKOOL and the job. Everyone's complaining how the balance is so hard, and I'm gonna be cool, and complain about it too. The days always just fly by, and you look back and regret you spent the last night on MSN doing absolutely nothing. Things start piling, and you realise there's nothing you can do, but feel sorry for yourself. Oh welps.

And just came back from a driving session with my mum. Oh Em GEE. I can't bloody take that woman. She tells me to do absolutely EVERYTHING. I'm observing, or checking traffic, but she tells me to hurry up and turn right already, and when I'm about to enter the street, she tells me to BRAKEEEEEE cos there was a pedestrian and tells me off for not looking properly. LIKE HELL WOMAN! I WAS LOOKING AND YOU TELL ME TO GO, SO I GO, AND THEN YOU TELL ME TO BRAKE. The instructor said my judgement is shit, but I wonder why, it's cos my bloody mother sticks her head in the way while I'm trying to look, and tells me what to do the whole time. And almost screams every time I turn just a tad bit faster. I can just tell when I get my P's, she won't let me take the car by myself, because there'll be no "experienced driver" next to me to guide me. Pffts, just cos I don't wanna define CHINESE LADY behind the wheel. She needs to take a dozen chill pills, and SO DO I thanks to that. GRRRRR.

And you. I'm getting there, pretty much there already. And before I can absolutely just let go, all I wanted was for you to clear everything up; absolutely everything. But you couldn't even do that. And it's stupid how I still get disappointed/shocked every time you do this to me; I should be used to it by now, but I give you too much benefit of the doubt. I still want to believe you're not as low as you really are, but you just are. Don't think I'm gonna keep hanging there, holding on, waiting for you, because I've been there done that. Goodbye.

So another weekly update. I had a whole week off last week from Uni, and didn't spend it very wisely, workwise. Lol

The weekend started off with Nat's stUn party on Saturday night. Let's just say it was a good and bad night for me. Crazy dancefloor, just the way I like it, but GOON is a no-go zone for trouble. Lol. Making mistakes is probably just a stage that all teens go through, and I'm kinda happy that I actually make them. You learn, grow and eventually look back and laugh at how retarded you were. Things that used to seem like a big deal back in like year9 are just a joke, and I'm guessing I'll look back in 5 years time and reminisce how mindless we were allowed to be. I just totally went off on a tangent there, but whatever, house parties rock. :)

It was Penny's 18th bash at Jubilee Park the next day. Had church and driving lessons before that, so rocked up at like 4 after taking a bus that Anton told me to take, which was the wrong one. Lol. Kelvin left the house when I was in the city, and managed to get to the park 2 minutes after me. Clap clap for the cow. Stayed for a bit, and waited until my beautiful birthday girl cut the cake, and the Asians all left. Me, Davo and Kelvin ended up going karaoke at LIVE for an hour, with bonus 25 minutes! WOOT. We love anything free! :)

So Monday came, and I managed to get almost everything done except Accounting readings. Lol. Visited Fort St on Wednesday, and ended up staying there for two whole periods. FORT ST LOVE. And the whole school is like, fenced up now. "It's to keep people out" - err, more like, to keep everyone in. But oh welps. I guess our grade brought an end to Fort St's corrupted reputation. People are actually dressed in uniform now. Haha. But the emo blondies in the junior grades are still wearing their black skinnies to school, so when they leave, it'll be a true sea of maroon. Had porchos after that, and went to Burwood for Step Up 2! Must say, twas a disappointment. No substantial hotties, and the dancing seemed kinda random. But oh welps. Trained it to the city, and went DANCEKOOL. Is Jaye cute or what? Totally brings motivation to dancing there on a regular basis. Haha, and the routines are mad too! So win win. :)

Caught a cold on Friday, so the rest of my week died out.

Uni started today, and I guess things are getting pretty routineful now. Quite neutral. Camp next weekend, then a COMSOC cruise on May 1st! Woot. Plenty of parties lined up at the end of April, so yay! Living while it lasts. :)

And I'm getting there. Just wait until it totally disappears.

Uni has been.. the same. But I feel less out of place now. I actually know where everything is, and can manage the lonerness. Actually, it's only at Micro lectures where I am loner. Must say though, Japanese is by far my favourite subject.

Managed to skip my first lecture of the week: Japanese. Haha. I was like 5 minutes late already, bumped into Eric on the way, continued on my little journey, then bump into Kelvin, and back onto the Quad I go. Haha. Spent like 2 hours with Eric, Leslie, Sha and Kelvin, so the first day was the biggest bludge. It's great that my breaks clash with everyone, or else I would seriously die.

Talked a bit more with the girls around me in my Japanese lecture, and made two friends Alexis and Linh in my Japanese Seminar. And there's a cute boy in my QMA tutorial, forgot his name, but he had a hot voice. He dresses kinda metro-ishly though. But oh welps, he sits across the room. Lol. Definitely potential eye candy. :)

I think me and Kelvin scared Betty and Karina with the Fort st stories we were telling from like 6pm to 7:30. Talking about everything from Hyok's pubes to Ms Kendall's milkshakes to the fifty billion other retarded crap Fort st got up to gave my stomach the biggest workout from all the laughter, and I went home a happy woman! :)

OH, and Law drinks was on yesterday. Haha. Got through the bouncers, since I got into the bar before they had security, but getting into the LAWSOC area wasn't as easy. Lined up with Leslie, Persis and Raymond? until they demanded we show our UNSW ID to prove we were law students. Mine obviously said COMM on it, so I got sent downstairs. I got snuggled back in afterwards, using Karina's ID, and met heaps of really friendly people up there. Bonnie was one of them, who told me to check out the guys in business suits because "they're not too bad looking. They should be in 4th year this year, which means, they're going to be rich next year. OOH" So I took my pick of probably the only asian, who didn't look too bad, and she showed me some Aussie dude in a blue and white striped shirt. Haha. That was good fun. Can't believe she's turning 20 next month, and is in first year Law. But oh welps, Sara said he's gonna chuck a party of her, and at least 3 people will show up. Haha! Law people are so much more approachable compared to Commerce people, bundled up in their little circles. Jack already warned me about that; I just never believed it. Gr. Left at 7:30, and took an all stops train with Leslie. Some good d&m'ing there :)

And it's broken now. After all these years, I've kept it in perfect condition, and just that one second of carelessness, it's broken. Tried fixing it, but fucked it up more. The piece that linked the whole thing together is missing now, so there's absolutely no way I can do anything to put it together again. I guess this is what it took, for me to realise I had to completely forget about it. Believe it, and leave it. I'm letting the head take over, and it's fucking hard.